It seems like everyone that has found out about me going into porn that knew me before I went into it wants to know the same thing: “Why did you do it? What motivated you to start that?”
Honestly, I’m still struggling to answer that for myself. I do know exactly WHEN I decided to start though…
When my ex, whom I will call Peyton, and I broke up, my social network crumbled. All of his friends were my friends and, since they had known him longer, none of them felt comfortable hanging out with me after he and I split up. Yeah, it sucked… but that’s not what made me want to do porn - it DID, however, start a chain of events that eventually led me to where I am today (which I’m not entirely remorseful about…)
In an effort to rebuild my network of friends, I began reaching out to people I knew in Austin that had always been nice in the past. I would get my hopes up when a boy showed the slightest amount of interest in me. Before I knew it, I’d make the two hour long drive just to visit, and find myself being blown off or just low on his list of priorities. Boy after boy, this went on. One hear-break after the next. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing feelings of self-doubt. Why did no one seem to care about me?
New Year’s was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Same story - a REALLY cute boy wanted to hang out with me on Dec. 31st so I canceled my New Year’s plans to hang out with him. Most of the day was great but as it got later in the evening, he turns to me in says, “Oh yeah, I forgot that you aren’t 21 yet, so… I hope you have younger friends in the area because you won’t be able to hang out with me tonight.” What the fuck?!? Talk about a shitty host! Thankfully though, I WAS able to get in contact with some friends who were having a party at a hotel downtown. So fuck him.
I drove into the ant’s nest that was down town and tried desperately to find a parking space. The hotel parking garage was completely full as well as the neighboring lots. I finally found this little restaurant that was closed near by that seemed inconspicuous and out-of-the-way.
The party was okay. Ya know those parties where you don’t really know anyone so you don’t really have a good time until you get drunk? Well, that was my plan for the evening when I realized I didn’t have my phone. Crap! I must have left it in the car.
So, only thirty minutes after getting there, I bundled up again, (it was freezing) and treked over to the dark little restaurant parking lot… to find an EMPTY parking lot. They fucking towed my car! I had only been away for half an hour! GAH!!! Completely pissed off, freezing, and without a phone, I stomped back to the hotel, considering my options. I could have a friend or the hotel call a cab and take me to get my car but since it was 10:45 on New Year’s, that didn’t seem like a likely option. “Oh well,” I decided, “I’ll just forget about it and have a great time tonight and have someone take me to the impound lot tomorrow morning.” Not a bad plan. Except…
When I finally got back to the hotel, there were security guards by the stairs and elevators requiring everyone to show their room cards for access to the floors above. I told the security guards I was there to see friends. “Yeah, you and everyone else.” they told me. Apparently there were so many people going to these hotel parties that they were only letting people up if they had actually paid for a room or were with the person that had paid for it. This wouldn’t have been a problem IF I HAD A PHONE!
When I was just about to wallow in self-pity (which there was plenty of time for later) a group of “friends” that I knew even better came into the lobby. One had happened to get a guest pass. “Hey!” I said as my friend, Chris quickly passed by.
He didn’t even stop to look.
None of them did.
They knew I was there - it wasn’t like they might not have seen me. They all ignored me. I was, “that guy.” That annoying guy that no one really wants to have around but doesn’t have the guts to say it to his face.
Heart-broken and hurt, I was forced back to my original plan. I moped up to the front desk and asked for a taxi cab. For half an hour and $50.00, I had to endure some vato telling me about the sexcapades he’d had in the very car he was driving me in. -I never once took my hands out of my pockets! It was $200.00 dollars more to get my car back which I did at 11:30pm. -It would take at least half an hour to get back from Austin (the impound lot was way out in the middle of nowhere) and longer with traffic.
And so went my New Year’s. I decided to fuck Austin and just make the two hour drive home back to San Antonio. I was passing through some litte farm town at midnight.
It was during that drive that I decided I was going to make some changes. For better or worse, I was going to rock the boat in my life - and hopefully not sink it. Why did none of those fuckers bother to even give me any attention? Did the fact that I couldn’t get into 21+ bars really make me that much of a neusance? Oh well, fuck it. 2008 is going to be the year I make them all take the foot out of their mouth. I decided I’d whip my body into shape, take the countless offers to do porn that I received and see where I ended up.
It has only been a month and a half and I can already see what such a cathartic moment in my life is going to do for me. I’m going to lose a lot of “friends” that live near me when they find out I do porn. But I have already begun to gain so many more - many that I know I can trust to help me when I’m in trouble. (more on that later)
So what was it that made me get into it? I guess it was my bitterness that planted the seed and motivated me to take the dive. But it was the kindness and support that I was immediately met with that kept me here.
